I love you & i'm going to miss you so much.

I feel like my life has been flipped upside down in the past two weeks.
Not all in a bad way. some tragic things have happened, some great news... just so many things in such a small period of time. it's absolutely overwhelming.
I hardly ever write about stuff like this, but for some reason today it feels like a good outlet.

Monday morning I got a voicemail from my mom that said she was going out of town that night because my granddad had had a heart attack. she didn't know the severity of it, all she knew was that she wanted to get down to him and my grandmother asap. her, my aunt barb and uncle keven went down to st. martin in the caribbean where my grandparents were. their other brother john couldn't go because he doesn't have a passport and the youngest brother of their family has been in and out of the family for the past fifteenish years so I don't know when he even found out since nobody knew how to get in contact with him.
Obviously I was worried and scared to hear any other bad news but I was hoping to hear it was minor and he would be alright in a few days. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. later monday evening on my way to work I talked to my mom again while she was at the airport. my granddad was put on a ventilator. the plan was basically for the family to say goodbyes and "unplug" him. I absolutely broke down. I felt so much heartache for my mom and grandmother and aunt and uncles. I went to work with puffy red eyes that were constantly tearing up throughout my shift. I couldn't go five minutes without crying... I was a wreck. that night I locked myself in my room and cried myself to sleep for the first time in longer than I can remember.
the next morning I got an e-mail from my mom saying that granddad was peaceful and they were going to decide whether or not to disconnect the machines to see if he could breathe on his own. I didn't leave my pajamas or house the entire day. I woke up with a swollen face, knowing something was wrong but I couldn't remember what. seconds later it hit me and I was back feeling like rocks were being thrown into my chest. I didn't hear anything else the rest of that day.
wednesday morning I knew I would have an email from my mom letting us know what happened with disconnecting, etc. I checked a few times, almost relieved when I didn't see anything from my mom. then minutes before I left to take charlotte and ian to the airport I checked again and there was an e-mail. I fought with myself on whether or not to open it... but I did.
"Grand dad passed away this morning very peacefully.
He did so all on his own, we did not have to remove him from a machine - he was ready.
I told him you were all here in spirit and that you loved him very much."

my granddaddy was 83. he lived a very eventful, exciting and wonderful life. he traveled the world with the love of his life, with his kids and grand kids. he worked with some of the most powerful companies in the united states. he proudly served in the united states marine corps. he owned beautiful homes, boats and cars because he worked his ass off for them. he didn't take shit from anyone. I know its a cliche thing to say, but he was one of the smartest men I have ever met. he taught me about things I would never even dream of learning about. he was able to carry on a conversation with almost anybody and had the ability to entertain and joke with my 20 year old friends. everyone loved him and his little scooter that he would cruise on, probably a little too fast... flying around corners and running over people's feet.
I'll never see bicardi silver without thinking of him and his daily cocktail hour.
the word "fuego" will forever bring up a picture of him with his goofy boat hat... always the captain of the ship.
his silver medallion that he wore for as long as I can remember.

I'm so proud to have known him and so lucky to have him be a part of my life.
he was such a proud and wonderful man.
El Captain, I miss you. my heart aches for just one more day with you. I just want to listen to you. everything you have to teach and say to me. I love you so very much.

"an angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine"


my cousin colleen and I have been e-mailing for the past few days about the whole situation and how everyone is doing. she said she feels like she has been so surrounded with death in the past few years that she just feels so glum when she thinks about life. which she followed with the fact that she went to the doctor and heard her baby's heart beat for the first time. that she is almost four months pregnant. oh to hear this news... and to have a new precious life in the family will be so wonderful. I am so happy to hear this news. I don't know how she feels about it since that is all I have heard about it but I hope she is excited and happy and doing well. she says she wants me to be a big part of his or her life and I cannot wait.


writing this all out and crying feels like such a release.
I have so many more thoughts still racing but can't seem to put them into words. frustrating.
this was good enough.

granddad and my aunt barb (soon to be grandma barb!)

For my psychology of human sexuality class, one of our recent topics was homosexuality. we had panels of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals come in and share their experiences with us. two of the men were a couple and announced that they had recently gotten married in massachusetts. the majority of the 400 person class applauded this happy couple, but they went on to say that their marriage license means nothing in colorado where they both live now.

for our final, one of our readings in a taking sides book, which discusses a topic from a "yes" perspective and a "no" perspective, goes over the topic of whether same-sex marriage should be legal on a federal level or not.
the "no" side, written by john cornyn explains that same-sex marriage should not be legalized because it toggles with a constitutional amendment. currently, marriage is defined as the union of one man and one woman. according to the book, in the past 200 years, the US constitution has only been amended 17 times since the bill of rights. 16 of the 17 times, it has been to extend the rights of the american people; prohibition being the only amendment to take away rights, which was repealed anyway. in other instances, the constitution was amended to end slavery and allow women and people of color to vote. so if it is okay to amend the constitution for those reasons, why not same-sex marriage??
while few states are working on allowing same-sex marriage, the rights do not go beyond the state lines because federal law trumps state law. why would we want to confine all same-sex couples to a couple of states? and what would be the point of traveling to get married only to come home and have any rights you may have had in the state you got married in stripped away and be left with just a piece of paper that you probably could have made and printed off yourself?

i'm not sure where i'm even going with this. its just so frustrating to read the "no" side of this article. if the constitution is the only thing you have to back your opinion other than close-mindedness, do you really even have an argument considering the history we have with amending the constitution? oh, there's the argument that raising children in a same-sex relationship can be damaging to the child's psychological well-being, academic achievement, social abilities, etc. guess what? wrong. it has been proven and consistently shown that children raised by same-sex parents do just as well as children in the traditional family setting.
how does it affect you if same-sex couples are getting married? it ruins the picture of your "perfect little country"? ...but the war doesn't? and things like drug trafficking are just swept under the rug and hidden? pathetic.


whatever. its 3am and i have my final tomorrow.

Christopher Gutierrez will be touring the UK with his newest book release for the first half of April. Below are tour dates, PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD!!

This is going to be an amazing tour and the entire DeadXStop family is so excited!


1st April - Belfast @ Belfast Central Library 4pm
2nd April - Glasgow @ Biblo Cafe
3rd April - Edinburgh @ The Forest Cafe 4:30
4th April - Newcastle @ The Center for Life 5pm
5th April - Leeds @ Venue TBC*
6th April - Manchester @ Friends' Meeting House 4pm
7th April - Birmingham @ Kitchen Garden Café Ltd 6pm
8th April - Cardiff @ Venue TBC*
9th April - Nottingham @ Lee Rosy's Tea 5pm
10th April - Brighton @ Friends' Meeting House 5pm
11th April - London @ Poetry Cafe 7pm
* means currently in the process of being booked.


For more information, please visit
www.myspace.com/heychris2uk
www.deadxstop.com
askheychris.livejournal.com

It has been an absolute dream of mine to be able to go to a culinary institute in italy. how amazing would it be to learn how to cook authentic italian food IN ITALY.

tonight, sydney was doing her routine study abroad website check up and and guess what she found....? A CULINARY INSTITUTE IN FLORENCE, ITALY.
hooooly shit.
I am so stoked on this and I will make every effort to make it happen.
I'm going to the study abroad office tomorrow and I'm going to the bank to get out a loan asap.


peace out america, I will be in italy from may 28th - june 29th.


SO STOKED.

oh and,
fuck you if you let your life suck

i was so sad when you left. i cried so hard on your shoulder that night after dinner and you didn't drop a tear.
the past few months i've had nothing but hard feelings towards you. i still do.

i thought about how this winter when we come to chicago it wont be the same. and how i don't even want to see you. one because i'm still so mad, but two because i dont want to have to miss you again.
i tried to erase you from my life. deleted your number, facebook, screenname. replaced pictures.

tonight i saw some pictures
and i got sad again.




"and the stars aren't out tonight,
but neither are we to look up at them"

so for a little update...

nothing too exciting has been going on lately.
class, deadxstop stuff and work consume my brain.
i absolutely look forward to weekends more than ever.


colorado steals my heart more and more every day. I absolutely love this state. the weather has been cooling down recently. i'm so stoked on this. the thought of bundling up in a hoodie and scarf makes me smile.

walking home from class or driving to work is like living in a perfect picture. the uneven lines of the mountains look amazing next to the constant bright blue sky and the trees in the oval are just starting to change colors. this is my favorite time of the year.

things are so good right now, but I don't have much to say about it.



its good to be alive

and this is what i see when i take the trash out at work. glamorous, I know.

... you will not regret it. I promise.

andrea,
okay. when you say you're moving 1000 miles away to be happier, thats hard enough. but with that information comes the promises that we will talk all of the time. we will call and write and IM. but in all actuality, that didn't happen. we stopped talking. then we had a long talk. things were better. now they're even worse.
I understand you're always busy and tired from work. I also understand that you are off on wednesdays, saturdays and sundays. so why, when I text and call do you not ever respond? I mean really. you've responded to one of my IMs since you went home almost a month ago. and god dammit I know that you look at your phone.
and even though I can't get inside your head, I, along with a few others, question your happiness there. you work 10 or more hours a day and don't forget to mention how much it stresses you out and drains you. you hardly talk to most of us back here.
sure, you're closer to your boyfriend. and thats good that you find happiness from that relationship. but lets look at the big picture. are you really, truly happy with your life? your job? living at home? your friends?

but who am I to say, right?
I don't know.
you know I'm one to voice my opinion, always. right or wrong, its my opinion and its how I see it. even if everyone else who feels the same doesn't have the balls to say it.
and I'm tellin it like I see it. or lack of what I see, I guess.

with that, I'm finding it more and more impossible to keep the amazing friendship we had alive. I refuse to make more attempts and get no reaction or feedback from you. its becoming a waste of time and to be honest, it fucking SUCKS to say that about someone I once considered my best friend. but as of late, its become more of an emotional strain. lame, right?

keep in mind that I'm not the only one feeling this way.
and its SHITTY that this has to be done over the god damn internet.

so what's next? the ball is in your court.

its so hard to support her when I don't agree with her lifestyle or intentions.
its even worse when I can't not love her.
her friends, her actions, her lifestyle in general... I don't approve of any of it. i hate her friends. they can rot in hell as far as i'm concerned. they don't do her any good.
i hate the fact that she smokes weed all the time. its disgusting. this once beautiful, smart girl is now trash. addicted to a feeling that a plant gives you.

god all I want is to be able to be friends with her.
we have so many similar qualities. we could be amazing friends ... but now we don't have anything in common.
I need to open the door to her and accept her. but fuck its hard. i don't associate myself with people like that. i dont agree with it. it argues my morals and i dont like to compromise them.

if anything, we need each other more than anything right now.
recently broken family.
lives changing.
we need each other.


maybe if we go on this trip to ireland together it would make things better.
god i fucking hope so.


she's my sister. and i love her and i hate her.
god dammit this is hard.