this is me

11/28/09

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 11:09:35 GMT

[this probably doesn't make sense, but it's not for you.]

“I have some news. It’s not as bad as it sounds, I have cancer.”

970: my dad has cancer
970: oh my god. what kind? are you ok?

720: what happened?
970: my dad has cancer
720: oh no. what kind? how bad? is there anything I can do for you? I’m so sorry.

@_madeline you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, please let me know if there is anything i can do. stay strong my friend.

11/30/09 1:41pm
I want to cry. right now. in the library. but I can’t and wont. I just want to call my dad and cry to him and ask questions and tell him I want to trade places with him because he doesn't deserve one second of this.

40404: 11:11 AM Dec 1st does anyone know when I'll start feeling normal again? or at least a little better? I'd really love to know...
@_madeline It'll come. Something tells me i know how you feel.
[this was all I needed. he helped more than he will ever know.]

40404: 9:15 AM Dec 3rd daddy-o starts his chemo today. I'm sad, but hopeful.

The realization comes in waves. Sometimes it hits way harder than other times. I randomly see and hear my dad saying those three short sentences in his new living room, standing in front of me and to the right while I sit on the couch closest to the front door, Maggie on the floor by the tv, and John on the other couch. Sometimes the words just seem like words, but other times I can physically feel them burn into my heart and sucker punch me in the stomach.
I know my dad will be fine, in time. Doctors are optimistic and so is he. So am I. This type of cancer has very high success rates. He has an incredible support system and some of the best doctors to treat him and he is going to go to war on this shit. He will win. But he shouldn’t have to go to war. He shouldn’t have to fight. He doesn’t deserve to hurt; all he has ever done for us is GIVE and PROVIDE and SUPPORT. I don’t want him to think he has to put on a brave face, that it's okay to be scared in front of us and to be vulnerable. I want to trade places with him, so he can be the strong one supporting, because he is always so good at being the strong one. I want to take away the hurt he will feel.
I cry the most when I talk to people I love about it. I just want to be able to talk to them and cry to them. I know I can, but I don’t want them to feel like they need to respond. I wouldn’t know what to say in their situation, and I don’t expect them to know, either. Just be there.
I want to tell people about it, but I don’t want a pity party, or the awkwardness. Just want people to know that there is a reason I’m so sad.

please don't leave ...

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 09:41:58 GMT

I love you & i'm going to miss you so much.

oh life....

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 06:54:45 GMT

I feel like my life has been flipped upside down in the past two weeks.
Not all in a bad way. some tragic things have happened, some great news... just so many things in such a small period of time. it's absolutely overwhelming.
I hardly ever write about stuff like this, but for some reason today it feels like a good outlet.

Monday morning I got a voicemail from my mom that said she was going out of town that night because my granddad had had a heart attack. she didn't know the severity of it, all she knew was that she wanted to get down to him and my grandmother asap. her, my aunt barb and uncle keven went down to st. martin in the caribbean where my grandparents were. their other brother john couldn't go because he doesn't have a passport and the youngest brother of their family has been in and out of the family for the past fifteenish years so I don't know when he even found out since nobody knew how to get in contact with him.
Obviously I was worried and scared to hear any other bad news but I was hoping to hear it was minor and he would be alright in a few days. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. later monday evening on my way to work I talked to my mom again while she was at the airport. my granddad was put on a ventilator. the plan was basically for the family to say goodbyes and "unplug" him. I absolutely broke down. I felt so much heartache for my mom and grandmother and aunt and uncles. I went to work with puffy red eyes that were constantly tearing up throughout my shift. I couldn't go five minutes without crying... I was a wreck. that night I locked myself in my room and cried myself to sleep for the first time in longer than I can remember.
the next morning I got an e-mail from my mom saying that granddad was peaceful and they were going to decide whether or not to disconnect the machines to see if he could breathe on his own. I didn't leave my pajamas or house the entire day. I woke up with a swollen face, knowing something was wrong but I couldn't remember what. seconds later it hit me and I was back feeling like rocks were being thrown into my chest. I didn't hear anything else the rest of that day.
wednesday morning I knew I would have an email from my mom letting us know what happened with disconnecting, etc. I checked a few times, almost relieved when I didn't see anything from my mom. then minutes before I left to take charlotte and ian to the airport I checked again and there was an e-mail. I fought with myself on whether or not to open it... but I did.
"Grand dad passed away this morning very peacefully.
He did so all on his own, we did not have to remove him from a machine - he was ready.
I told him you were all here in spirit and that you loved him very much."

my granddaddy was 83. he lived a very eventful, exciting and wonderful life. he traveled the world with the love of his life, with his kids and grand kids. he worked with some of the most powerful companies in the united states. he proudly served in the united states marine corps. he owned beautiful homes, boats and cars because he worked his ass off for them. he didn't take shit from anyone. I know its a cliche thing to say, but he was one of the smartest men I have ever met. he taught me about things I would never even dream of learning about. he was able to carry on a conversation with almost anybody and had the ability to entertain and joke with my 20 year old friends. everyone loved him and his little scooter that he would cruise on, probably a little too fast... flying around corners and running over people's feet.
I'll never see bicardi silver without thinking of him and his daily cocktail hour.
the word "fuego" will forever bring up a picture of him with his goofy boat hat... always the captain of the ship.
his silver medallion that he wore for as long as I can remember.

I'm so proud to have known him and so lucky to have him be a part of my life.
he was such a proud and wonderful man.
El Captain, I miss you. my heart aches for just one more day with you. I just want to listen to you. everything you have to teach and say to me. I love you so very much.

"an angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine"

my cousin colleen and I have been e-mailing for the past few days about the whole situation and how everyone is doing. she said she feels like she has been so surrounded with death in the past few years that she just feels so glum when she thinks about life. which she followed with the fact that she went to the doctor and heard her baby's heart beat for the first time. that she is almost four months pregnant. oh to hear this news... and to have a new precious life in the family will be so wonderful. I am so happy to hear this news. I don't know how she feels about it since that is all I have heard about it but I hope she is excited and happy and doing well. she says she wants me to be a big part of his or her life and I cannot wait.

writing this all out and crying feels like such a release.
I have so many more thoughts still racing but can't seem to put them into words. frustrating.
this was good enough.

granddad and my aunt barb (soon to be grandma barb!)

Mon, 12 May 2008 08:49:37 GMT

For my psychology of human sexuality class, one of our recent topics was homosexuality. we had panels of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals come in and share their experiences with us. two of the men were a couple and announced that they had recently gotten married in massachusetts. the majority of the 400 person class applauded this happy couple, but they went on to say that their marriage license means nothing in colorado where they both live now.

for our final, one of our readings in a taking sides book, which discusses a topic from a "yes" perspective and a "no" perspective, goes over the topic of whether same-sex marriage should be legal on a federal level or not.
the "no" side, written by john cornyn explains that same-sex marriage should not be legalized because it toggles with a constitutional amendment. currently, marriage is defined as the union of one man and one woman. according to the book, in the past 200 years, the US constitution has only been amended 17 times since the bill of rights. 16 of the 17 times, it has been to extend the rights of the american people; prohibition being the only amendment to take away rights, which was repealed anyway. in other instances, the constitution was amended to end slavery and allow women and people of color to vote. so if it is okay to amend the constitution for those reasons, why not same-sex marriage??
while few states are working on allowing same-sex marriage, the rights do not go beyond the state lines because federal law trumps state law. why would we want to confine all same-sex couples to a couple of states? and what would be the point of traveling to get married only to come home and have any rights you may have had in the state you got married in stripped away and be left with just a piece of paper that you probably could have made and printed off yourself?

i'm not sure where i'm even going with this. its just so frustrating to read the "no" side of this article. if the constitution is the only thing you have to back your opinion other than close-mindedness, do you really even have an argument considering the history we have with amending the constitution? oh, there's the argument that raising children in a same-sex relationship can be damaging to the child's psychological well-being, academic achievement, social abilities, etc. guess what? wrong. it has been proven and consistently shown that children raised by same-sex parents do just as well as children in the traditional family setting.
how does it affect you if same-sex couples are getting married? it ruins the picture of your "perfect little country"? ...but the war doesn't? and things like drug trafficking are just swept under the rug and hidden? pathetic.

whatever. its 3am and i have my final tomorrow.

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 05:06:56 GMT

i was so sad when you left. i cried so hard on your shoulder that night after dinner and you didn't drop a tear.
the past few months i've had nothing but hard feelings towards you. i still do.

i thought about how this winter when we come to chicago it wont be the same. and how i don't even want to see you. one because i'm still so mad, but two because i dont want to have to miss you again.
i tried to erase you from my life. deleted your number, facebook, screenname. replaced pictures.

tonight i saw some pictures
and i got sad again.

"and the stars aren't out tonight,
but neither are we to look up at them"

so annoyed. rant. open letter.

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 08:23:18 GMT

andrea,
okay. when you say you're moving 1000 miles away to be happier, thats hard enough. but with that information comes the promises that we will talk all of the time. we will call and write and IM. but in all actuality, that didn't happen. we stopped talking. then we had a long talk. things were better. now they're even worse.
I understand you're always busy and tired from work. I also understand that you are off on wednesdays, saturdays and sundays. so why, when I text and call do you not ever respond? I mean really. you've responded to one of my IMs since you went home almost a month ago. and god dammit I know that you look at your phone.
and even though I can't get inside your head, I, along with a few others, question your happiness there. you work 10 or more hours a day and don't forget to mention how much it stresses you out and drains you. you hardly talk to most of us back here.
sure, you're closer to your boyfriend. and thats good that you find happiness from that relationship. but lets look at the big picture. are you really, truly happy with your life? your job? living at home? your friends?

but who am I to say, right?
I don't know.
you know I'm one to voice my opinion, always. right or wrong, its my opinion and its how I see it. even if everyone else who feels the same doesn't have the balls to say it.
and I'm tellin it like I see it. or lack of what I see, I guess.

with that, I'm finding it more and more impossible to keep the amazing friendship we had alive. I refuse to make more attempts and get no reaction or feedback from you. its becoming a waste of time and to be honest, it fucking SUCKS to say that about someone I once considered my best friend. but as of late, its become more of an emotional strain. lame, right?

keep in mind that I'm not the only one feeling this way.
and its SHITTY that this has to be done over the god damn internet.

so what's next? the ball is in your court.

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 09:09:42 GMT

its so hard to support her when I don't agree with her lifestyle or intentions.
its even worse when I can't not love her.
her friends, her actions, her lifestyle in general... I don't approve of any of it. i hate her friends. they can rot in hell as far as i'm concerned. they don't do her any good.
i hate the fact that she smokes weed all the time. its disgusting. this once beautiful, smart girl is now trash. addicted to a feeling that a plant gives you.

god all I want is to be able to be friends with her.
we have so many similar qualities. we could be amazing friends ... but now we don't have anything in common.
I need to open the door to her and accept her. but fuck its hard. i don't associate myself with people like that. i dont agree with it. it argues my morals and i dont like to compromise them.

if anything, we need each other more than anything right now.
recently broken family.
lives changing.
we need each other.

maybe if we go on this trip to ireland together it would make things better.
god i fucking hope so.

she's my sister. and i love her and i hate her.
god dammit this is hard.

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 06:49:31 GMT

happy birthday to me.
i love my best friends.

i love my mom

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 07:38:47 GMT

because she comes up with stuff like this...

the four agreements:
1. be impeccable to your word
2. don't take things personally
3. don't make assumptions
4. do the best you can do

tomorrow: heading south. possible stop at moms for lunch or something, car shopping, then picking up andrea from the airport.
finally.
i miss her.
then maybe dinner downtown.

in other news:
-I miss christopher. a lot. I haven't talk to him in a while.
-my birthday is in 22 hours.
-I have a headache. weird, because I never get headaches.

theres no real point for this post other to prove that my mom is amazing.

jon mclaughlin videos

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 20:54:22 GMT

the google video thing makes them kind of like widescreen. I dont know what the deal is with that, but whatevs. enjoy.



"perfect.MPG" on Google Video
jon mclaughlin - perfect



"industry.MPG" on Google Video
jon mclaughlin



"beautiful_disaster.MPG" on Google Video
jon mclaughlin

LOVE HIM.

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 22:41:32 GMT

today i was walking home from class through the oval (for those of you who don't know, the oval is basically a huge oval shaped grass field with a ton of huge gorgeous trees on campus.. its amazing) and i saw this man with his baby. and it was just the two of them laying in the shade and it was perfect. it was so beautiful to see them simply enjoying themselves in this incredible weather, together.

i've been noticing a lot of life's simple but beautiful things as of late.
such as naps.
and thats just what i'm going to do.

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 22:01:35 GMT

I miss andrea.

so much.
you probably have no idea.
unless you are sydney.

seeing her in chicago is going to be fucking amazing. doy. but when we're going home I'm going to remember that shes not going to be following in a few weeks. shes going to stay. forever. and that we wont be able to go pick her up at the airport and go back to her apartment.
her not being here gets harder and harder instead of easier.

I have that lump in my throat.
the one you feel when you want to cry so badly but you cant.
its aching and I know that if she were here it wouldnt be there.

scratch that. the lump is gone. the tears are here.
and i wish she was too.

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 05:07:22 GMT

christopher.

I met chris for the first time in denver. it was random, kayla and courtney invited sydney and I to dinner with him and a few other people. I wasn't expecting this dude from chicago to make such an impact on my life. I read his book and fell in love. I caught up on his LJ and I was addicted. we talked a few times after the dinner. the next time I was in chicago we met up and went for coffee. sat there for 3 hours having absolutely wonderful, perfect conversation. he made me love him more.. I couldn't get enough of what he had to say. I still cant. I was on a natural high for a good 4 days after that night. thats the kind of impact this man has. the next time i was in chicago we had good hangs with good food again. and again. and again. we started talking more. we became better friends. He came to colorado again recently and since he left I miss him. I can't wait until may/june when we're in chicago again and we can see him.
he has opened my eyes to so many things I can not even begin to list. I look up to him more than anyone else in my life. but the weird thing is, hes just a regular person. who lives a regular life, with regular friends. but he has ideas and stories that are enough to be my hero. i'm proud to know him and be freinds with him. he can make my day with a simple IM. words cannot express how grateful I am to have him in my life, he has changed it for the better and given some of the best advice i have ever received.

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 04:33:20 GMT

logan.

this girl is fucking wonderful. we met through TAI... then had a fucking hilarious AIM convo about the weirdest things. but I still laugh so hard every time I read it. "were they some pretty sweet blades?" ahaha
she is such an encouraging person and can always put a smile on my face. she gives me advice and I give her advice. it feels good to have someone look up to me.
we are on the same level with the academy is...
she makes the best paint things ever that never fail to make me so happy. my favorite was probably the one of her getting me through the snow to chicago and to chris.
shes just a sweetheart in general and I'm so glad I met her

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 01:42:57 GMT

lindsey.

lindsey and i got close senior year. LOVE SEX AND SIX.
one weekend we pretty much hermited in her room and didn't leave her house for 3 days. we made the biggest bowl of guacamole that we didnt eat all of so it turned black over night. it was sick. we were laughing so hard that she choked on a chip and some how it ended up in her nose. gross. its always laughs with her.
she is insane. and we all love it. lindsey is always up for trying something new with a smile on her face. she is so full of life and loves to bring out her inner child. shes always up for a bbq and a game of hide and seek and always has her door open for anyone who needs it.
total space case but always entertaining. shes going to go far in life and not in a plain or ordinary way. she makes the most of what she has and takes advantage of what she can. very smart girl and i love her.

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 01:28:48 GMT

janine.

janine and i met in 6th grade. she was friends with sydney. sydney and i fought over janine a lot. we were always together throughout middle school and freshman year of high school. sophomore year we started drifting apart... for good reason i think. we both needed to grow on our own, which we both did a lot of.
one night when syd and I went to starbucks over thanksgiving break? i think? .. anyway, we ran into her and justin, it was a little awkward. but we started talking again. and things were good again. since then we talk regularly and I am so happy that we do. she is such a kind person with good intentions. she dares to be different and succeeds.
we both matured so much and now we can have a good friendship without the stupid petty shit from high school, which is wonderful.
getting cards from her in the mail is the best thing ever. well, getting anything in the mail is the best thing ever, but her cards are always amazing and put me in good moods.
i love her and i'm so glad we're friends again.

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 01:02:10 GMT

ashley.

first ever college roommate. and i couldn't ask for a better one. we have so much in common but at the same time we are so different. i'm insane and loud while shes more reserved and sweet. but we both love to be clean (look at our room) and have the same mentality on so much stuff from family issues to style to decoration.
she puts up with so much of my shit, its insane. i dont know how it would be to share a room with me for a year. but i'm so glad she does because i've grown to love her.
she is hilarious. without meaning to be which makes it even better.
she has an open mind (especially with my music, ha). she understands when i need space, and gives it to me. and shes encouraging.
just generally a good person with a good heart and i'm sooo lucky to have her as a roommate.

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 23:40:25 GMT

andrea.

we met at a falloutboy concert on 4.2.05.
we instantly clicked because we are loud, boisterous, and speak our minds. we started off going to a bunch of shows together. then ended up traveling from littleton to greeley or vice versa to have sweet hangs. we grew so close in such a short amount of time.
once she started going to CSU things were way easier because we were only 30 mins away instead of 2 hours away. we started hanging out more. started conquering the world together.
it was her, sydney and I. we were a trio. we were "the girls" to everyone. and we all shared the same intense passion for music.
we introduced each other to so many new friends.
she is one of the most compassionate people I know. she puts everyone else first all the time. she is like the mom of the group, taking care of everyone and genuinely cares for everyone she loves. she will go out of her way to make you happy or make you feel better, but its not a chore for her, it comes naturally.
summer and winter breaks in chicago are some of my favorite memories.
she became unhappy here in fort collins and needed to move home to naperville to be with her family. we were all devastated. still are.
we grew apart for a few months...
but best friends don't do that. so we talked it out, and things are better now. and i relized how much i really do miss her.
we talk more often now and things are good.
i can't wait til may to see her again.
i miss her like you wouldnt believe.

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 23:25:36 GMT

sydney.

best friend. we met in 6th grade and didn't get along. by the end of 8th grade we were hanging out and by the end of 9th grade we were best friends.
we went through high school together, literally together for everything. basically lived at each others house. went through and supported each other through some heartache but even more happy times. went to college together. made a bunch of new friends but stayed strong. got stronger.
we are together all of the time. if we're not, its "where's maddy?" or "where's sydney?" from everyone else.
she loves the color orange. she makes some of the best faces of anyone i've ever seen. she hates mayonnaise or basically any other white dairy product. she is giving, self motivated and very driven. how many 19 year olds do you know that pays for EVERYTHING by themselves... school (college, mind you, that shit is expensive), rent, food, clothes, shows, when I say everything, I mean everything.
she considers herself my personal comedian because all I do around her is laugh.
we get each other like no one else, its weird.
we have traveled across the US together and our travels haven't stopped.
we are spontaneous and random.
people are jealous of our friendship.
as they should be.
we read each others minds.
and this is only a fraction of our friendship defined.
a friend like her is rare and i can't explain how lucky i am to have her.

sensitive artist.

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 15:54:13 GMT

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice
you have not done what I asked

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings

When I ask you to listen to me
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem

Listen. All I asked was that you listen.
Not talk or do - just hear me.
Adivce is cheap: 25 cents will get you both
Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I'm not that helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact
that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can quit trying to convince you
and get about the business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious
and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense
when we understand what's behind them.
Perhaps that why prayer works,
sometimes, for some people,
because God is mute,
and he doesn't give advice or try to fix things.
"They" just listen and let you work it out for yourself.

So, please listen and just hear me.
And, if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn,
and I will listen to you.

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 02:05:19 GMT

the first kiss story.

more maybe to come later
sound quality is shitty.. not sure why, her camera may just be shitty. but if you just listen hard you can understand it.

she was way too cool for me

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 07:42:48 GMT

today. best ever.

well, chris texted me last night at like 3 to about 4am saying that they were going to go the hotel in the morning and we didn't have to pick him up from the airport and other things. so sydney and I were kind of relieved because we definitely got about an hour and a half of sleep before we were supposed to wake up. so we slept until like 11. yes.

ended up picking christopher and lindsie up from the hotel a little later. okay, honestly, I was terrified of meeting her. I was so scared of what she would be like. not as much scared of HER, more like I was scared that she wouldn't like us, or that she wouldn't talk.... no definitely not.
lindsie is seriously one of the coolest girls i've ever met. I think chris may have been a little off set because of how well we all got along.

dinner was okay, we all just kind of picked at our food except for chris of course, ate the table too. we talked about the whole "lurker" thing.. how it is in their relationship.. shit like that.
by the time we headed over to the cafe, we were all cracking jokes & talking like we've been friends forever. we got our little table in the room and said hey to whoever was there.
okay, seriously... a dad and daughter drove from new mexico. like.... really? for real? yeah.. so that was pretty awesome.
we were talking during chris' reading... it probably pissed him off a little. he said he noticed. but thats okay, we were all having good convo and enjoying it.

chris did an amazing job. he told hmm... 5 stories? i think.. I have a few vids. i was definitely happy with the turn out and i'm even more happy that its all because of me. i planned the entire thing. i got the venue. which turned out amazing. i found him a better plane ticket. i did it. and i'm proud of myself.

my thoughts are so scattered right now. my mind is racing.

we stayed around for about an hour while chris talked to lurkers and got cupcakes. we told and heard more stories.
then went to tom's diner for a little while.. had more LOLz.

lindsie sydney kayla and i have a gang... we're the DOY GIRLS.
dont ask. you're not cool enough to be in it.
we got along better than i expected and I am more than happy that we are friends.
she offered syd and I a place to stay when we go in june. how awesome is that.

highlights of the day
-obviously, chris.
-lindsie.
-lindsie liking denver, well.. and us.
-new friends
-old friends
-new gang
-90's music, chris hating it, but singing along anyway. ... "so kiss me"
-the reading
-getting ahold of the manuscript
-HPV and planned parenthood signs in the bathroom, stealing them
-the awkward sink things above the toilets that lindsie and i didn't know what to do with
"do you wash your hands in them?..." "..or do you wash your vagina in them?"
hahaha
-all girls then chris

so much more happened today. i'm too tired to write. pictures/videos will be uploaded sometime soon. once i get them from chris or lindsie.

so thank you for everyone who came, and especially to the girls who thanked us, that really meant a lot to us.

all over, amazing day. and I can't wait for june.
"live deliberate ~ dxs" will soon be inked into my skin.

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 04:09:15 GMT

i wish i could be okay with it.
i want them to be happy.
i need them to be happy.
so why does this bother me so much?
and why does it hurt so much?
because thats not what i'm used to.
and it doesn't seem normal.
i wish i could talk to someone who understands. i can't.
i wish i had words to explain how i feel. i don't.
and i wish it would just go away. it wont. ever.

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 00:18:21 GMT

your emotions are a roller coaster and I'm getting off the ride.
just break away and get it over with.
its going to happen sooner or later, might as well make it sooner.
stop bluffing.
the ball is in your court.
your move.

guess who.

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 21:56:25 GMT

he has already accomplished more in his 32 years then you will ever in your entire life.
he is articulate, creative, headstrong, driven and more than you will EVER BE.
he has the ability to change lives. to change perspectives. to IMPROVE lives and perspectives.
the ability to make everything okay. NO MATTER WHAT.
to make us laugh.
to keep me positive and keep me in check.
to make us think abstractly and ponder REAL things.
he always says the right thing.
he is genuine and giving and thankful.
he is everything that is good in the world, and he is MY HERO.
he is real.

i admire him. i aspire to be like him. i'm lucky to know him. i'm lucky to spend time with him.

and if that makes him my "god" then so be it.
hes more real than yours.

fuck you.